Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
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I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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