Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
