can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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