I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
not ubering you a puppy
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
