Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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