i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
