It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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