sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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