did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
