Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
its not stalking. its research.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
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