I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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