Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
