bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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