My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just high enough for therapy.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
