He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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