We're like a lot better than the average bears
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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