WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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