I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
