I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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