Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
