She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
