I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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