I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
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I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
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Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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