Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
