I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
