I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
