Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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