Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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