My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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