paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude i'm inner monologue high
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
