god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
