his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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