Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
