'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
