hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
