How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
