I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
