I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
