My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
