Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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