i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
