She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
