god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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