I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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