I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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