She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you didnt know i had herpes?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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