I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
