Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
