Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
