Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
