Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
