Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
