My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
